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If you are lying about this, I don’t think I could handle it.” Male Midget [looking at me like I am some sort of weirdo] “No dude. Everyone is up there.” Do you know what it takes to make me speechless? As much as I would love to tell you a really cool story about how I spent the next hour hitting on all the hot midgets, dancing with them, doing tiny little body shots off tiny little bodies, and tossing midgets all around the hotel, I can’t…because nothing like that happened.
For fucks sake, I had a girl tattoo “I Fucked Tucker Max” over her pussy. Basically, I just sat there, vacant as a lobotomy patient, staring at the midgets, in utter disbelief at the scene unfolding before me–it was complete Midget Overload.
At the airport and in line for my ticket, I am forced to fly Midwest Airlines because they are the only airline that cares enough about Milwaukee to fly there. ” Guy “Yes sir, heading home after a vacation.” Tucker “Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? Whatever, they’ve never fucked a midget, they don’t matter. Do they get pissed if you set your drink on top of their head? Do they get to live in those cool apartments with the really low door handles and counters? Since their arms are too short to reach their crotches, how do they wipe? Even more to the point, what do their pussies feel like? Their Miller Lite bottles looked massive as they gripped them with both of their tiny little hands.
A very nice, very Midwestern couple is in front of me. The flight was nearly intolerable; my mind was spinning with questions. Their humongous foreheads and brow ridges were raised in excitement as they laughed at a tiny little joke. I think my heart might explode.” Soylent “You are so fucking weird.” Then I saw her: My Midget Princess.
She looked at me and smiled, her mashed-up teeth sparkling in the oily light of the popcorn machine.
You could say that my sense of “Wow” is a bit numb. Six midgets at a table had me nearly catatonic, you can only imagine what 400 midgets popping and locking did.
Knowing that, I ask you to put yourself in this situation and see what your reaction would be: Go to a hotel. Take note of the step stool below the button panel, with the note above it, “Please do not remove stool.” Ride the elevator up to the fifth floor. I REPEAT: HUNDREDS OF MIDGETS ARE POPPING AND LOCKING!!! And when I saw the two midgets slow dancing, but the midget guy was so short that the midget girl had to kneel to dance with him…I was done.
pm Tucker: Fuck you pm Drunkrex: Im dead serious pm Tucker: I hate you pm Drunkrex: Soylent has a free roundtrip ticket pm Tucker: STOP TEASING He called me a few minutes later, when I was at home, wiping off the sweat and about to cook dinner. I am in Milwaukee with my girlfriend…and there is a midget convention in town this weekend.” Tucker “I got your fucking message.
He likes to play with my emotions, so I never take his text messages seriously: pm Drunk Rex: There is a midget convention at the hilton in milwaukee here with my girlfriend and [soylentgreen] is here too.